Pacifist Hypocrite Shopping List

I was out running some errands today and there were a handful of protesters at a busy intersection waving home-made signs like “honk for peace” and “no war for oil.” I laugh at the naive banality of such idealists. First, that waving signs makes any difference, and second the sheer amount of hypocrisy it takes to bring about such a half-assed roadside protest.

Every component of that sign is made from oil. The foam core, the plastic handle, the paints, the glues: all petroleum based products. The price of any one of those doubles and you won’t see too many out of work “students” waving those signs.

The fact that the protesters’ umbrella awning was made from oil, their ice chest was made from oil, the ice in the ice chest was created using refrigerants made from oil, the plastic bottles holding the water in the ice chest were made from oil, and all the filters, hoses, gaskets, and pumps required to get the water into the bottles are made from oil.

But the hypocrisy doesn’t end there. Some of the protesters decided to have their quarterly bath on the day of the protest so their fellow wack-jobs wouldn’t gag from rancid body oil and human stink. So throw in these necessary oil derived products: shampoo, glycerin soap, hair comb, hair curlers, hair dryer, hair dye, cosmetics and lip stick, deodorant, garden hose with plastic faucet washer, hand lotion, shaving cream, toothpaste and tooth brush.

A fresh change of clothes would require the following oil derived products: man-made fibers in the cloth, dye, detergents, acid wash, politically charged silk screening, and oil saturated Birkenstock shoes with oil tanned leather glued to oil derived rubber soles. The artistically knotted ankle bracelet is also made from oil derived yarns.

Accessorize with posh mylar layered plastic housed sunglasses, plastic cell phone, plastic tongue stud, elastic wrist band and a nature tattoo, all derived from oil.

Most protesters actually choose to wear clothing during their demonstrations of stupidity, but for those who don’t, you’ll also need: sunscreen, cortisone cream for that nasty rash, four colors of body paint, solvent to wash the paint off, insect repellent, and a petroleum encapsulated Extenz dietary supplement so you don’t embarrass yourself any more than you have to.

Your retard friend will need an oil derived bicycle (the rubber tube, the rubber tire, the plastic encased wires, the greased up chain, and the entirely oil made grad student helmet) and an oil derived camera to capture the moment forever.

Oh, and don’t forget the antihistamines for your patchouli allergy, and a molded plastic first aid kit with antiseptic, aspirin, anesthetic, and rubbing alcohol for when the police rough you up…. all made from oil.

And for the socialist love-fest after-party, be sure to bring some condoms, dental dams, and personal lubricant, all brought to you through the magic of oil. After all, protest chicks put out.

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About Christopher

Christopher Landauer is a fifth generation Colorado native and second generation Border Collie enthusiast. Border Collies have been the Landauer family dogs since the 1960s and Christopher got his first one as a toddler. He began his own modest breeding program with the purchase of Dublin and Celeste in 2006 and currently shares his home with their children Mercury and Gemma as well. His interest in genetics began in AP Chemistry and AP Biology and was honed at Stanford University.