The 2013 Cannes Film Festival just wrapped up and anyone hoping for a charming dog movie the likes of Best In Show, Babe, or 101 Dalmatians left disappointed. There’s about a 0.0000% chance that any of this year’s dog movies which were shopped at the festival are going to inspire anyone to run out and buy a pooched based upon the canine star.
In fact, the first of this year’s line up of steaming dog excrement appears to have been written so that the film company wouldn’t actually have to hire a real canine actor to appear in the movie since the dog is INVISIBLE!
Fresh off his stellar run as “The Guy from the Beneful Commercial,” David DeLuise plays a bumbling crook who steals two magical potions from a science lab which accidentally give some overly-perky tween’s dog the ability to talk and turn invisible and awkward make-it-stop non-hilarity ensues!
Lance Henriksen was illiterate until his 30s when he taught himself to read using the movie scripts he was given to portray. Apparently he still hasn’t mastered the ability to tell if a script he reads is crap or not because everyone’s favorite Android from Aliens can’t pump any life into this snooze-fest of teen angst and agility dogs.
Two actors we’ll probably never see again deliver poetic lines like “she’s not a cattledog, she’s a champion!” while they trip over cliche teen mating rituals by making sexual innuendos about dog training:
“Do you think you could, like, um, show me how to train her?” she said bashfully, kicking the ground.
“Sure!,” he said exuberantly, simulating his copulation techniques by dancing like Michael J Fox got struck by lightning.
Morgan Fairchild, who only took the role to prove that she isn’t dead yet, takes on the thinly reskined clone of Cruella DeVille as the evil antagonist who wants nothing more than to buy a family’s shelter Weiner dog to make it into a schnitzel or something, only to suffer humiliation as the dog wins the Wiener Dog Nationals! Keep an eye out for Alicia Witt, fresh off her role as the randy Ms. Pasternak and entirely un-reminiscent of her role as child super genius Aria Atreides from Dune. “For he is the Kwisatz Haderach!”
Not all news is bad news for dogs at Cannes, however. Stealing the spotlight in the Liberace biopic, Behind the Candelabra, is an aged, pasty, one eyed pocket pooch named Baby Boy, and no, I’m not talking about the prosthetic in Matt Damon’s speed0. The festival committee gave their punny “Palm Dog Award” to the decrepit miniature poodle which represented the entirety of the chemistry between Damon and Douglas: nearly lifeless and sort of creepy.
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