The Bible puts forth the killing of Abel by his brother Cain as the first murder in history, which foreshadows the eternal struggle between the farmer and the cowman.
Cain is the first man born of woman in the bible, and a second generation farmer–already lazy and living off the dole. His goody-goody younger brother, Abel, was the first Sheeple in history and an insufferable brown noser. Abel decided to one-up his older brother and gain favor with God by sacrificing one of his fat young lambs–mmmm baby lamb tastes good–making him the first enemy of PeTA. Cain, not to be outdone had to make a sacrifice too, but since he was getting paid to not plant (as is the custom) he couldn’t really come up with a suitable sacrifice and he didn’t really want to burn those subsidy checks because all that fire would cause greenhouse gases to escape into the atmosphere.
Of course, God found favor in Abel’s sacrifice of a fat lamb and was unimpressed with Cain’s offering of a meager organic crop: eat that vegans, God eats baby lamb and thinks “organic” sucks. Then God went all passive aggressive on Cain for not being more like his younger brother, so Cain kneed Able in the groin and beat his head in with the jawbone of that lamb Abel sacrificed: poetic justice for the evil baby lamb killer! Thus, Cain is also the first eco-terrorist and murderer in history.
God, who totally fell for Abel’s ass kissing, was devastated and cursed Cain to never grow crops again (funny, we keep ‘cursing’ our farmers to do the same and they’re so pious they get all uppity when we even suggest that they can go back to doing their job and grow something) and like all trust fund kiddies, God suggested that Cain get a Europass and go backpacking in the East to find himself. But Cain wasn’t happy and told God that “they’ll totally hate me in the East” and God said “tell them you’re from Canada, they won’t know the difference.”
But since everyone likes the Canadians and since Cain was such a douchebag, God knew that the ruse wouldn’t cut it and so he placed upon Cain a mark such that anyone who saw it would know that they shouldn’t kick his ass. OR SO YOU WERE TOLD!
The truth is, if you look at the original Genesis passage, God didn’t place a mark upon Cain, he gave him a dog! At least according to one rabbinical scholar in the Midrash:
And the Lord set a sign for Cain.
R. Judah said: He caused the orb of the sun to shine on his account. Said R. Nehemiah to him: For that wretch He would cause the orb of the sun to shine! Rather, He caused leprosy to break out on him, as you read, And it shall come to pass, if they will not believe thee, neither hearken to the voice of the first sign, etc. (Ex. iv, 8). Rab said: He gave him a dog. Abba Jose said: He made a horn grow out of him. Rab said: He made him an example to murderers. R. Hanin said: He made him an example to penitents.
Rab’s interpretation sounds sort of like Pit Bulls and Parolees, no?
See, taking that backpacking trip around the old country isn’t so entertaining when you’ve just killed the only other guy on the planet who isn’t your parents. Without some young German chicks (since neither Germany nor chicks had been invented yet) staying in the same run down hostel to provide some companionship, Cain needed a good dog to keep him company in his forced solitude and to protect him.
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